1. If you have a vagina or boobs, step away. Barbecue is a man's game, so get back in the kitchen, bitch. Also, aprons are for fags.

  2. Make sure you have plenty of beer nearby. NEVER barbecue without drinking a beer, EVER.

  3. Ensure there's loads of killer music to cook to - I recommend some Pout at the Devil. Alternatively make yourself a 'Meaty Mix-tape' containing some Guns N Roses, Poison, Skid Row, Van Halen, Aerosmith, Warrant, Alice Cooper, Bon Jovi and Cruella D'Ville.

  4. It is crucial that you have decent meat. And no I'm not talking about your johnson; I'm talking burgers, steak and sow-sage. Buy expensive shit, or be like me and shoot your own.

  5. If any damn vegetarians crash your BBQ insisting that you take up valuable meat space on the grill by cooking them a Quorn slice, tell them in no uncertain terms to stop being gay. Then tell them to get the fuck out and not to come back until they have a taste for blood.

  6. Light the BBQ well in advance before you plan to start cooking. Not in the morning, dumbass, although if you're anything like me you haven't seen a morning since 1984 anyway. Make sure you use enough charcoal, and wait until it's glowing red with a powdery grey surface before starting to cook.

  7. Cook everything RARE, apart from sausages, unless you want to die.

  8. Marinade your meat for at least 24 hours beforehand in my world famous 'Platinum's BBQ Rub'. It's not in the shops yet though, so use Jack Daniel's for now.

  9. Keep matches, firelighters and fuels well away from lit barbecues, but don't put them away until later as you may need them to light a post-BBQ bong.

  10. Remove chilled meats from the fridge and allow them to reach room temperature. Plus, it frees up fridge space for more beer.

  11. A paddling pool filled with vodka is an excellent idea for your guests to relax /strip in while you cook.

  12. Keep the grill bars well oiled to stop the food sticking. Good oils to use are olive oil, vegetable oil and baby oil. Oh no, wait - that's for fucking or jerking off with.

  13. If you want an extra smoky flavour on your food, simply smoke over it.

  14. NEVER move a lit barbecue, unless it's in danger of setting your guitar or clothes on fire. And even then make sure someone has a video camera handy for 'You've Been Framed' style profit.

  15. Essential condiments include ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, pickles and cocaine. Sometimes I like to put a little in the salt mill as a joke to 'loosen up' any tight ass guests.

  16. Paper plates reduce clean down time, plus they make cool hats if you're drunk.

  17. Under no circumstances admit any Mods to your BBQ, because they're all scooter riding fags. And they're probably vegans, which immediately ups their status to 'super fags'.

  18. Last but not least: get a vegetarian to wash up while you party.